Jan 3, 2018

Where Does God Fit in Your Life?

I struggle, sometimes, to make sense of the hand we have been dealt on our path to parenthood.

After trying and failing for most of our marriage, I always wonder if this is it.
If what we were supposed to learn is simply to enjoy each other.

Some days I wonder if I should still be fighting for a child.
I see others moving forward, pressing on, and I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
In my heart I don't have any fight left.
At least, not in the form of invasive procedures and daily injections.

And then some days I forget how exhausting the IVF battle is and I start thinking maybe we didn't test for EVERYTHING.
Just before the New Year, I finally went in for the long list of blood-work the doctor suggested I have completed after our second miscarriage.

I put it off for two months, and quite frankly, didn't really anticipate doing it in the first place.
But I bit the bullet and headed back into that waiting room.
And when I was finally called back, I was so irritated and frustrated I ended up passing out after the phlebotomist drew the 15th vial of blood.

I hated being there.
I felt like an imposter.
It didn't help that I went at the same time all the successful women were getting their ultrasounds, newly pregnant, relieved all their hard work finally paid off.

I remember those joyful times.
Each week, watching our baby grow.
Gosh, those ultrasounds were the absolute best images I have ever seen.

Although I have made up my mind to stop IVF....my heart isn't out of the game yet.

I have these weird premonitions, that keep growing more and more vivid as the days go on.

Although we lost a boy, I was never convinced we would raise a boy.
It's almost as if I knew the pregnancy wouldn't take, but didn't understand at the time.

I keep having these visions of a girl.
I see her.
I see snippets of time, as if I'm watching myself, holding her, in a little checkered dress, barefoot in the summer time out in our yard.
I see how she looks, with soft blond curls at the nape of her neck.
She has chubby little cheeks and blue eyes.
I see her so well I can even give her a name.

It all just....makes sense.
These visions.

And yet, at the same time, it completely doesn't.
Because I have no idea to attain them.

I have no idea how to make them a reality if we are through with IVF.
How do I make a baby if we are done trying?

And my therapist boldly questioned my confusions with....Where does God fit in your life?

My response was equally ridiculous.
I started crying.
I have never imagined something I can't see solving a problem in my life for me.

As a Type A person...I create my own destiny, right?
So how do I handle this?

If I have always been the solution and resource for a lot of my and other's lives....does God fill in the pieces of the puzzle that I can't fathom?

Sometimes I feel my faith growing, or, I guess it's faith. I don't actually know what to call it....and I will be honest that I am terrified about it.
Because it's not tangible.
I like things that I can see and touch and understand by looking at it.

But I can't see this.
It's just a feeling.

I don't know how to lean into God for these visions.
I don't want to come off as crazy but I can't stop them from happening.

I am terrified to let into too much hope for fear of falling on my face again.
I want to weave that little girl into my life just like every other piece of the beautiful puzzle.
I worry sometimes that I am just manifesting these visions out of the chaos over our loss.
That I should just snap back to reality and stop day-dreaming.

It all seems so real sometimes, though.
So I'll keep trying to lean in and hope for a bit of guidance on this strange path.
Thanks for reading. XO

1 comment:

  1. I struggle with faith, too. Like you, I have trouble with things that are not tangible and the belief that life is out of my control. I hope you get your dream, sweet lady!