Jan 8, 2018

On My Heart

I'm feeling a little sassy this Monday morning, so I'm going to speak frankly about some stuff that has been on my heart recently.

1. Money
Money has always been a sort of taboo subject for me. As someone that has always been very submersed in the corporate world, it's one of those subjects, like politics and religion, that you just don't talk about. And I'm not here to spill what my salary is or anything, because to be honest?

I'm not proud of it, in the way you might think. (no, I'm not turning tricks....)

I mean, yes, I am proud of all the ladder-climbing I did, jumping hurdles like women-oppression and man-splaining along the way. And I guess I landed "on top" and made good use of that four-year degree I got.

But in all honesty, it's not fulfilling. It never has been and it never will be. I don't ever speak about my latest work endeavors with any enthusiasm. When people ask what I do for a living, I respond HR and change the subject. I am living this career-life because it pays me well enough to afford things most people couldn't even dream of. And for that I am grateful.

However, there has got to be a more fulfilling path that doesn't knock me on my ass every Monday.
I'm all for putting in an honest days work, so I'll be exploring different avenues in this new chapter of life. And maybe that path leads to less income.

That is a very scary statement to me. I was always raised to follow the 40 hour work-week, salaried role of every other working professional, but sometimes I just feel like I'm grasping at straws to stay afloat.

Is it just me? Or maybe it's just this time of year?
I don't know. Maybe my crazy meds need to be adjusted.

I have always found comfort knowing that if I just work a little harder, keep my chin up, I'll make more money and in-turn will have greater financial stability and a better lifestyle....but holy crap does that rat race get old sometimes! The burn-out is real and I just can't imagine doing this for another 30 fucking years. Who decided the retirement age again?!

Especially when I constantly just feel like a professional babysitter, or talked down to like I couldn't possibly know what I'm doing because I'm a WOMAN.

Which leads me to....

2. Oprah
Honey, did you see her speech? Bra-fucking-vo. Here it is if you missed it.

It certainly is a great time to be alive, isn't it?
Granted, sometimes Oprah gets on my ever-last nerve, with her constantly shouting about BREAD and shit, but THIS....this is inspiring and epic.

It led me to sign up for volunteer efforts at our local Women's March chapter in Chicago, so we'll see how that pans out in the coming months. Maybe that shit will bring some much-needed change in my life.

3. Therapy 
So now that I have different (non-IVF insurance) this year, the therapist I was seeing in 2017 is out of network. I was going every other week and I really like her. 
But every time I see her I now need to shell out $100.

My inner dialogue is this:

Part of me says keep going. She is doing really great things for me and I know it's good for my soul to talk about issues and work towards new goals since we are not doing fertility treatments anymore. Navigating this weird new world is hard and people like her should make it easier, which she does. Plus, she is helping shape my spiritual side and that can only be a plus.

The other part of me is a cheap-skate and is like....$100 for an hour?! Are you crazy?! How can you pay a couple hundred dollars each month just to have someone tell you you aren't broken?

Sigh....I'm trying to throw this in as a catch-all in the "self-care" bucket, along with my expensive Orangetheory membership. Both are testing my limits in different ways. What's good for the mind and body can only benefit me, right?

This issue brings me back to item #1....money. I have to keep chugging along in the corporate world to afford this type of self care. And so continues the annoying circle of life.

No need trying to find remedies...this is more just my brain purging since I think I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, my husband is finally recovering from his second man-flu, and there is still snow on the ground.

Thanks for reading!! XO

1 comment:

  1. Hope Mark gets better soon and that you don't get this plague! It has my mom, brother and sister-in-law down. I'm praying I don't get it. Love reading your thoughts - and I am totally with you on this rat-race in the corporate world. It's getting OLD. but like you said a double edged sword. The pay does allow us to do things we enjoy though, ie vacations, going to to nice dinners frequently, shopping for ourselves, etc. Which I don't necessarily want to give up.