May 31, 2017

If I could do it all over...

I think if most people go through any experience more than once, by the time the second or third opportunity arrives, they are basically a pro at the situation.

This goes for most things in life; buying a home, having a baby, negotiating a salary, picking a good boy/girlfriend, applying eyeliner, knowing just how many drinks to suck down before you reach black-out city...and the list goes on.

I find comfort in the been there, done that mentality.

In the trenches of our first year of IVF, I did my due diligence in terms of researching, questioning, and generally hashing out the details of every poke and prod, every sentence, every result, every everything.

I have no regrets in terms of what I could have known vs. what I should have known with science and technology.

But, as we head into our second year of treatment, and hopefully, a second, successful pregnancy to an earth-side baby, there are a few things that stood out from round one that I will absolutely be eliminating from the insanity.

If I could do it all over again, I would bring my head above water more often. 

Life literally passed us by last year. Sure, we tried our best to have fun, party, celebrate, see friends, and do normal things....but we were so involved in the details of each cycle that I regret not taking time to breathe. Ever.

There were so many times where I remember wishing away days, weeks, and months.
Hell, I even wished away summer at one point!

Every cycle was barely met with good news...and I clung to those next phone calls and next monitoring appointments like they were do or die.

Life outside of IVF was frivolous at that point, and I think we suffered because of it.

I now know that yes, IVF can be rather time consuming if you let your entire brain take over....but the few minutes spent in a monitoring appointment, or administering shots, or taking a phone call, are just that....minutes...of a very long day that I can choose to turn into a positive and stay focused on my health, my work, our friends and our marriage.

Sure, it's easy to get wrapped up in anticipation waiting for the results, but I am going to try my hardest to let go, and let God handle it.

I have enough on my plate and come Hell or high-water, Infertility will not define me as a person.

If I could do it all over again, I would refrain from learning the gender. 

When the nurse called with our PGD results, I took that phone call by myself.
She asked if I wanted to know the gender, and because we really, really wanted a girl...I said yes.

After I got off the phone with the nurse, I called Mark, and while telling him the news, I could sense he wasn't thrilled that I made that decision by myself.

I got this huge pit in my stomach. I made a mistake.

I kept brushing it off because...IT WAS GOOD NEWS!!

But still, that phone call, sitting in the air-conditioned car in the heat of summer, is a moment I'll never forget. I should have said no. We should have just gone with the best embryo and moved forward.

What we learned from last year, when the girl didn't take, but the boy did....was that the love we had for the little boy growing inside me was monumental.

It no longer matters what we have, as long as the little person stays put for an entire pregnancy and is born free of abnormalities and I get to spend an eternity earth-side....we're good.

If I could do it all over again, I would refrain from announcing at work.

My work-situation may be a bit different than others.
My career is in Human Resources, and I just happen to be one of a couple girls in an office filled to the brim with men.

So, there is one role I play where I have to use discretion, and another role I play where I'm basically one of the guys.  It's rather fitting, in a way.

But neither of those roles is a good match to announce a pregnancy at 6 weeks, have it fail at 10, and then be hounded with innocent questions through what would have been my second trimester.

How am I feeling?

Am I getting excited?

You don't look pregnant.

Men, I mean...they are basically aloof. So when they were finally face to face with me, in a situation I never meant to have, the question would always come up randomly if they remembered it.
And then the ever-awkward conversation would ensue.

Oh, right...I miscarried at Christmas.

I'm sorry to hear that. 
*enter random mumbling about something similar, yet totally not*
And then there was always some ass-bag who would wrap-up the conversation with...

Are you going to start trying again right away?

*face palm*

At this point, do I start spilling the details about my personal life to a stranger?
The answer is no.

So I just smiled and wrapped up the conversation as quickly as possible, using phrases you really want to have this conversation with your HR Manager?

And...this isn't exactly appropriate for work, don'cha think?

So anyways....the moral of the story is....I will never be announcing a pregnancy at work ever again.

Even when I'm clearly showing, I'm going to just keep denying it and telling everyone I got fat.

Because if someone is going to have fun with the situation.....

What have you done in your life that you want a do-over with?
Thanks for reading! XO


  1. Like you said, with anything going through it twice it sort of does make you more of an 'expert.' So smart to look back and figure out what you think you did well and what you'd like to improve. Isn't it great when we actually learn things? I oddly get excited about this :)

  2. The first thing I thought of going through more than once was marriage. Part of me would like to give that another shot with a partner I am more suited to but the other part of me thinks... mmmm better not. I am all for not finding out the gender. The greatest 3 moments of my life were hearing the midwife tell me what we had when my babies were born. There are too few happy surprises left in life!!