Oct 12, 2016

It's a New Day

A good friend sent me a photo of our husband's, with goofy grins and crazy eyes, after a night of drinking at their 20 year reunion.

I wasn't expecting the photo, so when I opened the message, my laughter simply could not be contained.  I laughed so hard and so loud I gave myself an asthma attack.

As small tears streamed from the corners of my eyes, I looked over at Mark and said...I haven't laughed like that in a while. It feels good.

This was the turning point for me.
I hadn't really had ANY emotions, besides sadness, for a while.

As the days past, and my period FINALLY wrapped up, nearly a week after it started, this weight of a failed cycle started to lift.

All of my hormones that came crashing down after that cycle started to level out.

I was no longer this hopeless, dramatic person.
I found myself engaged and enthusiastic more than not.

I woke up with energy.

I woke up feeling like ME.

A lot of the sadness that came from this cycle stemmed from all these daydreams I had about what life would be like with our child.

How I expected it would go.
How I assumed it would go.

I actually never thought of any alternatives, which can be a dangerous thing, in the wee hours of the unknown during IVF.

Never considering your options, in all aspects, can lead you down a path of despair.
At least, it did for me.

So as the days past and I started to feel like myself again, I could finally let go of all these expectations, all these plans.

I have said it before and will likely say it a million more, you have NO plans with infertility.

You have no control, you have no choice, you simply try to roll with the punches and figure shit out.

And maybe one day I'll get into these details a bit more, but what I can say is, once I changed my thinking, once I opened myself up to alternatives, to no expectations, I started to look forward to our future again.

I have hope and a little bit of excitement at this point.

I still have an opportunity to be a mom to a bouncing, perfect babe, made from equal parts us, and science, and a blessing from a higher power, hopefully.

I'm ready to jump off the deep end with this one.
I'm ready to give it one. last. shot.

Thank you, as always, for reading these ups and downs.
I am hopeful to be able to report nothing but ups moving forward.

You guys are the best. XO


  1. I know what it's likely to truly laugh and realize it's been a very. very. long time. I'm glad you're lifting out of it and you're ready to get back on the horse.