Apr 13, 2016

The Thief of Joy


Going through something tough, and thinking that everyone else has it so much easier, is a total buzz kill.

If I have learned anything, it's that everyone always has something fucked up in their lives, that is perceived as easy to others. 

Everyone has something they struggle with.
And not everyone else has that same struggle.

For me, it's procreating. I struggled with an internal battle to come to terms with this broken feeling. That, as a woman, the one thing I was supposed to do correctly, I couldn't.

And all the while, friends and family around me would announce their pregnancies.
I would host baby showers, watch bumps grow, and ask far more questions than may seemed normal about how they were feeling or what they were going through.

And to the majority of people struggling to conceive, this may cast a dark shadow.

As sarcastic as I can be sometimes (although my husband might argue it's most of the time), I can assure you that never at any point have I been jealous of the success of others.

Because I know deep down, while this particular event may not be coming as easy as I had hoped, I think overall, my life has been rather successful. I am happy with how my life is taking shape and am continuing to work towards every goal, including expanding my family.

I'd like to think I am a particularly positive person. 
I try to see the good in most situations. 
I laugh at a lot of fucked up shit. 

I am sarcastic and witty, with a dry sense of humor, because honestly, although this is clearly a defense mechanism, the alternative is to fill my thoughts with overwhelming bouts of anxiety and depression.

Pregnancy happens. 
The expansion of the family is normal and should be celebrated.

I am beyond thrilled when people tell me it worked, even if it was unexpected!

I know my time will come and I know I am walking down my own path, and it may look longer than others, but I am trusting the process.

I am, and will be, so much more than a mother.
A mother is something that completely transforms your life, but I am still me.
I will still be the same quirky, creative, in-your-face person....but with a baby.
I will still do great things in life should nothing come to fruition this year.
My life is not over if this year doesn't take.
There will be time to hurt, and to heal, but I am still me.

I do not waste my time reading shitty comments about yet another celebrity's pregnancy and how some people don't think it's correct to go through IVF.

I do not waste my time getting upset when someone unfollows me on social media. #doyouboo
I have done nothing wrong.

I, hopefully, am a tiny light of positivity for anyone willing to reach out.

I want nothing but the BEST for all of us.

Every triumph, every failure, I am here....rooting everyone on from my little corner of the internet.

Pregnancy may come easy to some, but it may not to others.
Finding that perfect job may be easy to some, but not so much to others.
Some people can easily back away from peer pressure, but to others, not so much.
Some people may be in a pool of debt, while budgeting may come naturally to others.

There is always SOMETHING to be thankful for, and something else that may try to tear us down.

I urge those that are struggling with ANYTHING, be it infertility or otherwise, to find your tribe.
Let in those people. Allow them to become your beacon of hope to get you through tough times.
Let those people root for you.

Talk about it. Share it. 
I am not alone, and neither are you.

Life is for the living, my dear.

And I understand that when you are in the trenches, all you want is for a pregnancy to happen.
You want it so bad you would do anything to reach it.

The process takes an ungodly amount of time, it seems.

But the biggest part of the process, is to take a step back, and remember that you are your own person.
You, too, are a beacon of hope and light to others.
You are someone who is loved by many other people.
Don't lose sight of the person you were before you were in the trenches.
Pregnancy and motherhood is, perhaps, the ultimate goal....but you are still you with or without it.
Whatever is meant to happen, will happen in due time.

And until it happens, enjoy life.

Smile and laugh and dance and drink and connect and fill your time with other people that love you.

You are still a friend, a daughter, a wife, a fur-mom, a boss lady, a warrior, a crafter, a pioneer!
You are still all those things, before, during, and after pregnancy and motherhood.

Do not lose sight of YOU.
Compare yourself to no one.
They are not walking in your shoes.
Do not let envy and comparison rob you of the joy you have in your life.

There is a plan for all of us. Step back and let that plan come to fruition.
Even if it means letting go for a period of time, to get back to the real you.

You deserve nothing but the best, but you have to open your eyes.
And above all....


As always, thank you so much for reading! XO


  1. Love this post so much!! Not being able to procreate the usual way has got to be so tough because it is so in your face every where you turn. There is no running from it. It is so easy to compare and let it get you down. I think everyone does it or at least has to make a conscious effort not to. Keep fighting the good fight! We have to believe that things will happen the way they are supposed to.

  2. Bravo! What beautiful sentiments...things we ALL need to be reminded of. I'm currently struggling SO hard right now and it's something I'm not allowed to share and that makes it SO much harder for me. Keeping it to myself and turning it over and over makes the failure seem so much heavier. But there is always so much good to see. We are more than one thing. Thank you!

  3. Love this so much!!! It's so true. There is ALWAYS someone prettier, skinnier, richer, happier, better job, more babies - etc. Comparing yourself to others is such a slippery slope. Love the positivity!