Apr 7, 2016

Freak out!

Hi. I'm still here.
I'm sorry I had a minor meltdown yesterday.
I kept thinking about changing the blog name, which led to me questioning why I am blogging in the first place, which led to me (obviously) shutting the whole thing down.

I know, makes total sense.

I guess I was starting to get torn between trying to be a "good blogger"...meaning, I make sure to post on 'high-traffic' days, and find new blogs, and 'you-follow-me-so-I-follow-you', and making sure to comment, and then getting sad when I don't get comments, etc.

And my reality, which means....doing what I WANT to do. My brain doesn't work in a structured manner...so WHY am I trying to force the blog to be that way?

Anyways, these somewhat minor thoughts about blogging in general thwarted my brain into thoughts about how much I want to, and should be exposing to a bunch a strangers in the first place.

Should I keep updating everyone in detail?
What if shit really starts to go wrong? Do I talk about it?
What if I miscarry? I mean, I know plenty of people that have, but do I want people to know that kind of damage?

When I started blogging, it was an outlet many, many years ago...a distraction, if you will, to the overwhelming frustration we were going through trying to get pregnant.
I can't really describe that kind of frustration unless you have been through something similar.
As a Type A person, you make a plan and work through it until that plan is realized.
And this was a whole other beast.

So as the years past, we would gather information and hope for the best.
Well now....NOW we actually have a plan.
This is it.
This is the year to make or break us as parents.

Mark and I have already vowed that if it doesn't work this year, we accept that fate, and move forward without kids.

I know that may be black and white, and rather harsh, but we have watched others go through this FOR YEARS and have watched their lives crumble and the joy swept away and I will not let that happen to us.
No more.

We have been going through some sort of general frustration with trying to conceive for nearly four years. If this monumental act doesn't produce anything, we can at least say we gave it our best shot.
It sure as Hell wasn't for lack of trying.
Or sacrifice.

And because this whole process IS so BIG...I got scared to write about it.
How can I possibly include all the information and emotions in WRITING?
Can I do it?

Just like I was telling my parents, as we all stared in horror at the ENORMOUS box of medication and NEEDLES that arrived yesterday.....I don't have a choice. We just do it and don't look back.

If this is what we want (and it is), then this is the route we go.
And we will go, hand in hand, into war.


Because, my friends, we are now INFERTILITY WARRIORS.....and you don't back down when the odds seem stacked against you.

You reach out to your community, to your TRIBE, when you feel weak.
And, as I found out yesterday....they catch you when you bobble.

I will continue to write, if you continue to read.
I will write when good things happen, and when bad things happen to.

And if this resonates with just ONE person, who feels hopeless and is struggling to make sense of this crazy process....then I would call that a win in my book.

I can't thank you enough.
Those of you that came out of the wood-work, to support me and our efforts.

Thank you. XO


  1. For me, if I'm going to be a blogger & an infertility blogger at that, then I have no choice but to put it ALL out there, the good, the bad, & the ugly. I think readers appreciate honesty and transparency & it your blog then becomes a resource for others where they can get the best and truest information. We are all here in your support friend!

  2. I love reading your blog, even if I can't relate... For now. I have no idea what the future holds for us (which is quite scary for this Type A lady) but I love following your journey. And I think as long as you enjoy it and you get something out of it, that's all that matters. Some weeks I feel like playing the blog game. Other weeks... Not so much. It can definitely be discouraging. Thinking of you always! You are a fighter!

  3. I'm so glad you are still here! I can't relate to your struggle but I can relate to the fear of the unknown and the rollercoaster life we seem to have in common:) Big hugs!

  4. I don't know what it is about blogging, but it plays some serious games with your head. I feel like most of us have some sort of "blogging struggle," Even the big guns claim to feel inferior, but I don't believe them! Anyway, I think you need to write, so in whatever form this blog takes I hope you stick around. I'm trying to stick around for that very reason, although sometimes I really do question why I bother at all.

  5. I can't begin to imagine what you and Mark are going thru and have already been thru. I read your "thoughts and feelings" to help me understand you and the battle you're fighting. I'm here if you need anything! A tissue, a shoulder, a hug, whatever. Stay strong and stay positive and keep sharing.

  6. Share what you feel you want to get out, when you want to get it out. Don't worry about when the high traffic days are, or feel pressured to share anything you don't want to share. Blog for you. That said, I get so much out of your blog and others' blogs. Living in a small Texas town where every other woman my age has 3 kids already is so lonely and hard. I love having an outlet to go read about people whose lives look more similar to mine.