Feb 3, 2016

Not What I Expected

This last week put me over the edge.

I have been waiting....patiently waiting.....waiting so damn long for this whole process to start that I worked myself into a tizzy by the end of last week when we finally pulled the trigger.

Every time I feel like this is it, we are finally moving forward....whether it's a new doctor, more answers, insurance lining up, a new job....every time we seem to make one small stride forward, I feel like we are hit with another thing to push that start date back a bit.

Don't get me wrong, it's what we want and what we need for peace of mind.
We need genetic testing.
We need all the set-up that goes along with it.
And even though I know this...I have been so antsy to JUST. GET. GOING.

2015 was so much fun.
I didn't have a care in the world.
Even through a lay-off and job change, life was good.

Life is still good.

But I feel like I just want to get to the end without experiencing the whole journey.
I am getting stressed out that my original plans keep going out the window.

I said it before, I'm Type A.
I want to know our timeline and mark it in my calendar and follow it to a T.
I want to speculate and jot down milestones when I think they are coming.

I cannot stand having to scribble out what I thought was going to be a milestone, and instead is more of another long lag of downtime waiting for the next set-up to be complete.

I was so frustrated with trying to do everything I possibly could to expedite our parents test kits.
I finally got everything delivered Friday.
They were supposed to test and send everything back.

And, of course, there was a little snafu....but man, did it set me off.

All my careful planning, all my details, all my begging, all my research...out the door in a matter of seconds.

And for what?

So we have another couple of days added to our timeline....what does it matter?

But it DID matter to me.
So much so that I launched into a feverish tirade against anyone that even dare tell me to calm down.

Long story short...I realized what an ass I made of myself.

No, I had not planned on waiting to start IVF for 11 weeks.
No, I had not planned to be jabbing myself with needles all summer long.
No, I had not expected genetic set-up to take this long.
Not in the slightest.

PGD took my ill-timed plans and not only threw them out the window...but rocket launched them into outer space...never to bee seen again.

Plans....what a crap shoot.

So with this first hiccup, I vowed to stop worrying about the details.
I imagine there will be more to come.

How could there not?
There is coordination between two genetics lab, an IVF facility, and our specialists facility.
That's like at least five sets of hands with who knows how many admins behind the scenes.
And the shipping and receiving and procurement and documentation.

This whole year is not going how I had expected it to.

But I can do one of two things:
1) Totally freak out for the next eight months....ultimately setting myself up for failure
2) Try....with what little will-power I have...to just go with the flow.

I just get so fucking angry sometimes that this is the hand we were dealt.
I can't believe we will spending 9-ish months setting up to get pregnant, then (hopefully) finding success, then another 9-ish months finally being pregnant.

It's like being pregnant for 18 fucking months!!
Could you imagine?

If this isn't a test for how much we want this, I don't know what is.

As of today, the lab has received my parents saliva tests, and Mark's parents will arrive tomorrow.
We should know those results in about two weeks.

And my dad?
He gets his biopsy results Thursday.
I am nervously waiting those results as much as I am sure he is.

What a weird fucking year this will be.
Thanks for reading, loves.


  1. Let it out girl. And yes, while I bet this will be a weird fucking year, I also think it's going to be the best year ever for you and Mark. It seems like 40 freaking forevers right now, but you will blink and look back and wonder where the time went. Just know you are in my thoughts . . .

  2. you will learn to relax and be less type A once your baby comes. You sort of have to :) Having a baby will make you learn how to "let things be". If we take her anywhere we are usually 15-30mins late...it bugs the hell out of me that I am that late. But it is what it is...

  3. I can't imagine how stressful and time consuming all of this is. I'm just standing at the beginning of this whole journey. I don't even know when we'll get to start. We're buying a house this year and then we have to save up for IVF. It's so hard to not have a timeline. We were hoping to start trying to have a baby (before we found out we were carriers) by the end of the year. Now it will be at less a year. Probably longer. It's totally out of our control. We can only do so much. It's not easy.

  4. Well maybe, just maybe you got a whole bunch of the hiccups this year out of the way early. Last year that's how mine went, started off kinda shitty and just got better. Hugs love!

  5. As someone who has been through the IVF ringer for 2+ years I can tell you this is only the first of many things that will set you back and veer you off course. I remember when we tried twice to do our 3rd and final IUI I kept getting over stimulated and over a course of 4 months we had to cancel 2x then we waited from April to July to start our IVF cycle. For our second fresh cycle we started with the doc in January and didn't do a cycle til July. It sucks and it really messes with us type As, the best thing you can do is accept it and move forward. You'll learn so much about patience on this journey. Gook luck girl. Stay calm and positive!

  6. Agree with Amy - hardest and best year to come for you and Mark. So sorry it's so stressful. I'm thinking of you, and your dad!

  7. I wish I could give you my gift of going with the flow - but having a daughter that is Type A, I know how hard that is. Sending big hugs your way!

  8. Sorry for the late catch up...but let it all out....! I can't imagine how stressful all of this must be. I'm also a mega planner and although I tell myself time and time again I can't plan EVERYTHING that most things are out of my hand (the big things mostly) I still get so worked up and upset. Worrying can't change anything. But screaming it out sometimes helps ;)