Oct 16, 2015

For better or for worse

I can't shake October.
I feel like I'm racing towards a finish line of an event I don't even want to be a part of.
And it's bringing out my shitty side. The side I try so very hard to shove way down into the depths of me, never to return.

I'm racing to catch up with all of the things in life.
And I'm tired.
I'm tired of doing, being, moving, putting in the normal effort.
I feel like I'm forcing myself to be sane right now.
Forcing myself to wake up before sunrise to work out.
Forcing myself to prep meals and take actions to avoid weight gain.
Forcing myself to be polite, and patient, and forgiving.
Forcing myself to keep my damn eyes open.
Forcing myself to be nice.

When I really just want to stay in baggy sweatpants, sleep 12 hours a day, and be snarky.
Real mature, I know.

When you have a goal to work towards...like prepping your home for summer, it's fun!
It's fun to put all the work in so that you can chill all summer and have a blast poolside.
But when your goal is just to stay on top of things so you can....stare at each inside to keep from the cold...it sucks.

I realize I am a total pity party of 1 right now.
Is it just me?
With all this negativity and anxiety?

The bags under my eyes actually feel heavy...like they are dragging my face down.
I need to get a grip.
It's only October. We still have six more months of this shit and it only gets worse.

This is my "for worse" side I guess.
Especially when I already feel like the world is stacked against me and then I call Mark in the middle of one of his meetings and flip out that he didn't feed the dogs.
Like it matters! Like it's even hard and something I can't handle.

Get a grip, you're probably saying.

The knife in my side about all this is Mark starts laughing and questioning how we'll be able to handle the upkeep with kids.
And I just looked at him at a loss.
I don't know.
I haven't the slightest idea.
I feel like we're already at our breaking point, and handling more just seems unfathomable.

So you know what? I think I am going to hang in my pj's A LOT this weekend.
Cook some comfort food and zen out.
Be lazy on the couch with the dogs.
Maybe do some yoga....ha...j/k... I may stretch though.
Take things slow.
Avoid getting sick.

Tomorrow is another day.
This gray cloud of emotions can't last forever.
I'm trying to embrace the good, see the beauty in Fall...stop and take a breathe.

I'll get through this rough patch. I always do.
Thanks for reading.


  1. Your post reminds me so much of my own today... You'll get through this, like you said, we always do. And when you become a mom you'll be a hot mess all the time, but you'll get thru it. It's life! And it's totally normal! Cheer up butter cup, it's Friday!

  2. I'm sorry you're feeling blue - I've felt it a bit with it getting dark much earlier. I can feel the dread of winter creeping in...... not cool.

    Enjoy a lazier weekend. And to answer Mark's question about handling it all with kids? Well, you just do it because there is no other choice. Like Elena said, you'll be a hot mess like the rest of us, and that's A OK :)

  3. We all have these days and moments. Take a breath, have some wine...or whatever your beverage of choice is, and relax. Don't go on social media, that will just make it worse ;) Cheers to a slightly happier weekend! Xoxo, ganeeban

  4. You remind me of my nice boss - she's one that ALWAYS has so much on her plate that she overwhelms herself, and no one is putting the pressure on herself to get everything done, but . . . herself.

    Thursday I asked her when is the last time you just hung out at night after work and didn't do anything but eat dinner. Leave the dishes in the dishwasher, watch a movie with your husband and do absolutely NOTHING for the house, your husband, your kids (who are in college by the way!) and she said she couldn't remember.

    I hope that you chilled this weekend - it was a perfect weekend for it! Hugs!

  5. We have our days. I hope things are going better for you now.