Aug 26, 2015

He called the $hit...poop

Have I ever told you how glamorous my life is?
I have a perfect home with a perfect life and a perfect job and the perfect clothes, hair, and makeup, and perfect husband and a big ole' yard for my fabulously well-behaved dogs to run and frolic at their leisure.
My three pets are just the spitting image of perfection. They all get along so well and I don't ever have to keep an eye on them at all!! They are so clean and nice and respectful of our home that most of the time I forget we even have them.
The house always smells divine and there are never any spills because we are all so very careful.
And I never have to lift a finger to clean anything up.
Isn't life just so wonderful and CLEAN? Nothing EVER goes that just so perfect?!

No's not.
If you believed ANY of that crap I just wrote it's because you probably have never been to my house.
Kids, don't always believe everything written on the internet.

Now, don't get me wrong. My house is far from a pig-sty. But you know why, my dear?
It's because I go on these lovely cleaning tantrums after my pets have managed to funk up the place so terribly that I am beyond embarrassed of having even the pizza guy deliver something to our front door.
I am SURE the smell would knock them over.

I am about to get all kinds of disgusting so if you are eating lunch or have a weak stomach, I beg you, back away now.
You have been warned.

So, you want to get a bulldog?
You see them on TV or the internets and you think, "my gosh, a bulldog would be just so much fun! They are so funny looking and adorable and wrinkly and I just want to smash their wittle face wiff all my kisses!"

And then you get one.

And yes, they are still quirky and goofy and lovable and loyal and fun!! so much fun!!
But dudes, owning a bulldog is no walk in the park.
Oh, and they don't really walk, so that park nonsense is a joke. It'll never happen. 
Bulldogs are fat for a reason. 

Anyways, my younger bulldog named Burn is an English. And my absolute "favorite" part about owning him, outside of his incessant drooling, chewing, scratching at parts of the couch, barking at people playing croquet, and plowing over small his constant anal problems.

Oh yes, my friends....Burn has a bit of a leaky ass.
Let me back up. Those of you that own a dog may notice from time to time that your dog drags his ass on the ground.

Why is he doing that, you ask?

It's because he is trying to express his anal glands on his own.
Sometimes it works.
And sometimes you have a bulldog.

And you can do one of two things:
1) Pay someone $30 a pop to stick their finger up your dogs ass and squeeze those little peas clean...or
2) Ask the vet to show you how to do it and do it yourself

Guess what I chose?
Since I was having to do this roughly 1-2x a month, my dog's ass was becoming a financial burden. Mostly on my drinking habits. So I bit the bullet and started this fun little DIY project. Vets are more than happy to push this back on you, by the way. So keep that little tidbit in your back pocket.

Every month, for three years, Burn and I had a secret in the meeting in the bathroom.
I would apologize, he would think he was getting treats, I would finger his butthole and clean out the junk, he would yelp, I would wince, and it would all be over in a few minutes.
And then there were treats, but for real this time.
And then, magically, it got better. I thought maybe he had grown out of it.
Until that stink came back.
That leaky, foul, skunk smell came back in full force and I swear to Jebus it was as if it was smeared ALL OVER MY DAMN HOUSE.
Because, you know, dogs don't care WHERE they drag their ass, as long as it pleases them.

So Mark and I got to work. I grabbed the lube (yes....THAT lube) and plastic gloves and went to work on the anal probing of my dog's ass.

And the dog jerked and yelped while I tried to do what I had to do.  Poor guy didn't even drop the soap!! What a monster I am!
And then it was over.

But what about my house?! My plan was to tackle the deep-cleaning this weekend. I could probably hold out that long, right? I mean, the cat had only pissed on the carpet once this month and there was only a thin layer of pet hair blanketing the walk-way.

I came home from the gym this morning and there was one major shit show that broke this camel's back.
Mark looks at me with wide eyes and blurts are so lucky you didn't come into the kitchen this morning....

(And this time it wasn't from Burn....Crash (my other bulldog) ate something bad, I think.)

And it's as if the woft of shit FINALLY hit my nose at that moment and I gagged.
Jesus Betsy Christ!

That's it!! This whole place is a dump!

So I got to work.
(mostly because Mark thought cleaning up SHIT with water and paper towels was the correct way...silly, silly man)

Of course our carpets aren't any normal, low pile carpet, by the way.
Ohhhhhh no.
These carpets are fit for an 80 year old lady with old lady feet that are in need of old lady cushioning and therefore the carpet pile is approximately 6 feet deep.
Try cleaning cat piss and dog shit out of that mess.
It ain't easy.

So I used my trusty 3-layer system and HAND. SCRUBBED. the entire first floor, for 45 minutes.
Yes it made me late for work. But I will not live in filth and that was my absolute limit with the constant smell of garbage.
I then called Mark to proposition him with either a head massage or a BJ if he could vacuum everything....(with the wand too! Get the corners!) after he got home.

I don't really know where I was going with this story, other than our dogs are a terrible pain in my ass and it takes a lot of work to keep them clean and happy.
So don't buy one unless you can deal with some serious crap....pun intended.
But I do love their faces to I suppose I will keep them around for a bit longer.

That was your disgusting PSA for the week.
The end.


  1. girl I was cracking up reading this! I totally know what you are talking about! That is one reason we have tile on the whole lower level of our house! I take Lola in once a month to get her glands done and have them clip her nails too; I'm not as brave as you are so we worked it into our budget :)

  2. I would have died and then took the day off work to deep DEEP clean. This story had me laughing... but has made me second guess getting a puppy.

  3. and this is why I don't have any pets. haha
    okay, we have a single fish...that's our pet. No thanks.
    (that and my OCD would never let me work outside of the home again if I had animals inside)