Dec 8, 2014

Dirty Christmas

Every year I host a family Christmas party to get my side of the family together.
There doesn't seem to be a month that goes by where we don't have an event with Mark's side, but my family is more spread out and it seems harder to gather everyone in one place.

And since my family is basically the Original Goldberg's, I try to keep the party as classy and sophisticated as possible.

We dress up in the our most fabulous light-up Christmas gear, festive sweaters, and Santa hats, snack on Ritz and Easy Cheese, lil' smokies, and other variety of expensive fair, and play a sentimental game called:

DIRTY CHRISTMAS (also known as White Elephant)

Last year Mark "won" a glass chicken lamp, and I ended up with a random strand of half-working Christmas lights.
I should also add that Mark actually uses that sassy lamp in the garage to this day.

The name of the game is to find a gift for under $20 that really speaks to your soul.
A gift that you can't wait to see the reaction as they open it.
Just make sure grandma doesn't steal your gift or you may have to take her out.
Santa isn't watching this be bad!

And in case you are heading out or hosting your own little Dirty Christmas soiree, I hand-picked some of the best gifts money can buy that can be delivered to your door for that special someone.


1) Emergency Underpants- You get not one but FIVE pairs. These come in handy for when you may or may not be driving too fast down the highway and those infamous red and blue lights come flashing up behind you. You enter panic mode and instantly have to relieve yourself. (You are more relieved when the lights fly by to some other unsuspecting victim, but alas, the damage is done.)
No worries, my friend. Just stash these underwears in your glove compartment and hit up the next McDonald's for a quick change. Your dignity and jeans...are spared.

2) Toilet Mug- This gift is perfect for that cousin you are always telling to "eat shit." I can't imagine a more appropriate mug to rest on your office desk or bring along to a board meeting. This mug screams "I am both hilarious and humble, waft in my glory." Bonus points if you include a hot chocolate packet.

3) Horse Head- This is both hilarious and creepy. Wear to the your next black tie event. Scare the crap out of your spouse by covering it in ketchup and stashing it in their bed. The possibilities are endless.

4) Ultimate Wine Glass- With this glass you can stop the judgey-mcjudgersons that tell you "you should only have a glass of wine." Now you can get shitfaced AND keep the class by dumping your boxed wine into a suitable container. Every mom should have one.

5) Kitten Ice Cube mold- This gift speaks for itself. Is that a little pussy in your cocktail? Why yes, yes it is.

6) Perky Family Gift Set- Keeping with the liquor theme, make sure you are able to open that bottle of wine and keep it fresh with this excited family. For once you can tell Dad where to shove it, right?

7) Heisenberg Cutting Board- I may be coming to the Breaking Bad party a little late, but since we are currently watching this epic show, I would actually prefer to win this gift. It's a bit over the $20 price tag, but what better way to say Merry Christmas than with an innuendo to a meth lab?

8) Shake Weight- an oldie but a goodie. You aunt will love the toning effects and your uncle will love watching her work. It's a win-win all around.

Happy Holidays!!


  1. These are too funny. We use to play this but my grandma started getting frustrated because the gifts that people didn't like they left at her house. But seriously, I know someone I would give that wine opener set too.

  2. OMG, I love that - except our family calls it White Elephant - several years in a row I somehow got stuck with my Aunt's macrame plant holder that she made in the 1970s. But what I really need is that ultimate wine glass :D Thanks again for being bra less with me! :D

  3. I used to do a gift exchange in a group I was involved with, but because all the gifts were horrible and tacky, we called it the Brown Reindeer instead of White Elephant.

  4. Shut the eff up!! You have to read my post today!! Great minds my friend.....Great minds. We're amazing!!

  5. these are all awesome! I really needed to find a gift! problem solved- sweet!!

  6. These are all great but the toilet coffee mug made me laugh out loud!