Oct 21, 2014

What have you always wanted to be?

Growing up in an affluent suburb of Chicago, I was primed at a young age to start thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Certain classes were taken, certain milestones crossed, all leading to a specific path that would ultimately define my future.

The only obvious option was to go to college.
Get a degree in something that would make me feel fulfilled and make my parents proud for raising such a bright girl.
They did, and I have ultimately been a success.

I listened to my dad and didn't "throw away my degree to start a family."

The pressure on that alone made me wary of seeking out any potential suitors until after college.
And no sooner had college ended, Mark came into my life.
By that point I had a full time paid internship and a full time school schedule.
I quickly got my first real job after college, moved in with Mark, bought Crash (our french bulldog) and started climbing that professional ladder.
Onwards and upwards, each job slightly better than the last one.
Better pay, better hours, less drama.
And now, here I am, at a great job. I am content with it as I am no longer looking to climb that damn ladder.
I like what I'm doing and make good money.
I have always known I would never be a CEO or head of a company.
I like a bit of structure and a bit of leeway to lead smaller teams and events, but still not looking to ultimately be the one in charge with the super big decisions.

And for a while, I struggled with that weird guilt that always came along with NOT wanting to keep climbing that ladder. Like, I always had my dad and his furrowed brow in the back of my mind.
"Don't throw it away."
"We paid good money to get you through college."
"Make me proud."

And me, being forever frugal (like my dad), I took those words to heart and have successfully found my niche.
Do I make a ton of money.
But do I feel good at a job that is secure?

But none of this defines me.
I hardly talk about work outside of work because, really, who cares to listen?
Does anyone else care that I had a super stressful week and a million things went wrong and I had to put out a ton of fires?
Probably not.

I am happy at my job, but I treat as just that. A job. Something I have to do because there are things in the grown up world that I have to pay for. But what I like even more is going home.
Home is what makes my 9-5 job worth it.
Home is, as cliche as it is, where the heart is.

But is being home what defines me?
Not really.
It has taken me a few years to come to terms with what will define me.
And in a way, it has been kind of scary.
Scary because it's something that doesn't come with a paycheck. It's scary because some people might look down on it, (mainly my father), and I'm not sure I had the right words to defend myself.
Although, looking back at all that fear, I realize he probably just wants what is best for me and establish a good foundation before blindly diving into something. He was really just making sure I was set up for success, no matter what circumstance.
Scary because of everything that has been engrained in my brain about the "right path."
It goes against everything I have been taught.
But it's emotional.
And overwhelming.

And you know when you just KNOW something and it just clicks? Even though it kind of IS scary because it's just so different?
Well, as silly as this sounds, I am declaring it.

I know I am meant to be a mom.

It evolved from this uncontrollable need in my life, back in 2012, that consumed my every waking moment to research and learn as much as possible, to now, letting go...leaving it up to fate, but silently praying.
This is what will define me.
And there isn't any justification needed.
It's what I was meant to do in my life.
To feel truly fulfilled. Needed. Wanted.
To be selfless....a shadow of myself looking on to someone that I can grow and mold into a model citizen.
To teach, to discipline, to nurture, to hold, and to let go into the world.

Sure, work will still be there. We are not privileged enough to be able to live comfortably on one income at the moment. Plus, I like a change of pace.
Like I said before, I am meant to be a mom but know I will crave adult time as well.
It will be a delicate balance, and trying at times.
But as the old saying goes, nothing worth having isn't worth fighting for.

So that's my peace with the universe. And maybe it isn't super feminist and girl-power.
Or maybe that is exactly what it is. Either way, it's me.

As a final note, we are doing round 2 of the Promote the Love Link-up this Friday.
Grab the button and share the love, friends!!
See you Friday!


  1. I hope soon you'll be able to say you're a mommy! :) At least you can say you accomplished all you desired beforehand. Hoping your new physician will have better answers and plans for you :) Have a great one Tia! -Iva

  2. I have those feelings from time to time. I'm okay with my job, I make decent money for a single (by financial/tax standards) gal. I don't really see myself being in charge of a company or anything of the like. I don't think I "failed" my parents per se, but I do know the feeling of maybe I'm letting them down! Oh well, our happiness "should" be theirs as well, right?!? Sending you good vibes on being a mommy, it will happen when it is supposed too (pardon the cliche)! xoxo, ganeeban

  3. I wish I loved my job. It's so hard to make a long commute every day to a job that's just okay and that I tolerate.

    But the good thing is that I paid my own way through college (and I'm still paying...), so I don't have to worry about letting anyone down except myself. If my parents aren't happy with my choices, that's their problem. :-)

  4. being a mother changes your entire life and to be honest, the love you feel for your child is nothing, NOTHING like anything in the world. it's quite amazing, actually :)