Mar 3, 2014

I can't do it all

As funny and as witty as some people think I am in my daily life, it's not something I can keep pace with 7 days a week.
I have lots of expendable energy.
I liven a room, create funny conversation, lighten a mood, lift people up.
I get up early, do all the things, each and every day.
I go.
I don't find excuses. I find answers. I solve problems. I make shit happen.
I strive to excel at everything, even when the days blend together and it seems like it is all too much, I keep going.
But finding balance is key.
And as a 30 year old adult, you would think by now I would know this by now.

I go and go and go so much Monday-Friday that by the time the weekend rolls around, I need to recharge.
I never seem to be able to get enough sleep through an entire night.
Those 8 hours, all in a row, never happen.
It's not like I have the opportunity to "catch up on sleep" over the weekend, by sleeping in on Friday and Saturday nights.
Between Bayou's snoring, the animals constant needs, or my own brain buzzing with something, I am woken up, before the sun is truly over the horizon, to start my day.

I heed the burden of most of the things around me, I think most women do.
If I want something bad enough, it is solely left on my shoulders to accomplish.
No one should have to light a fire under my own ass.
I am the creator of my own destiny.
I am partially Type A. This means, I probably feel as though I could get it done better/fast/easier/ choose the adjective. And I'm probably right.

I always seem on the brink of failing.
Always fighting to stay afloat sometimes.
Fighting with my own thoughts, my own exhausting.
It drains me and by the time I have accomplished all my professional duties for the week, and all my home duties, I am left with the pieces of everything else that I needed to or should have done.
The list in my mental list....of all that I want to accomplish, and all that needs to be accomplished, and all that should be accomplished, grows by the minute.
I chip away at it, week by week, but it's tail whips and winds and falls into a black hole and I feel buried.
How will I ever get through another week?
What new hurdles will be waiting?
Do I have the energy?

I know that I need a day to unwind, to let go, to have no agenda.
A whole. day.
And that might be too much for people.
I might be weak because of it.
But the need to shut out making everyone else happy is necessary.
Just for a day.
To sit and veg out. Or take a nap. Or read something.
Or just stare at a wall.
I know I need this in my life to charge full speed into the next million obstacles, and yet, somehow, I don't allow it.
I get up too early. I start the day too soon. My head is heavy and cloudy. My eyes burn.
I know I need to accomplish so many things but my body won't do anything.
I am fighting a battle within to do everything and nothing at the same time.
And then I get mad knowing I should have just taken that well deserved break from reality but instead kept chugging forward at 50%.
Starting and abruptly stopping projects.
My emotions are getting the best of me.
I lash out.
I am weak.
Thin skinned.

I need to stand up for myself.
To proclaim a day off.
My brain deserves it. My skin deserves it. My body deserves it. My family deserves it.
And maybe that means I will miss out on something fun from time to time.
But it will make me a more fun person to be around afterward.
After my break.
After I allow it without guilt.
I am not doing anything wrong.

At 30, it's time to start being a little more selfish, and in turn, I will be more understanding, more accepting, more nurturing, more helpful to others.
I can't do it all.
And I shouldn't be burdened by it.