Feb 14, 2014

What's my Score? 7.4

And guess what?
It's not that great.
Not terrible, but it needs to be better.

I knew this. But now I have documented proof that I'm a little broken.
So what am I talking about?


When you are in a situation like Bayou and I are in, throwing caution to the wind for over a year, and nothing happens, not even an Oops, in the baby making department, you start to wonder who is broken.

So after many, many months of speculating and temping and buying sticks to pee on and each month turning up negative, I started to have a sneaking suspicion one of us is having issues.
And that one of us is probably me.

I made an appointment with my OB-GYN.
But kept putting this appointment off for some reason.
Kept pushing it back another month, hoping that we could give out one more shot au natural.

I just knew that once I went in....then it was real.
There is no going back.
As much as I pined for a baby the last couple of years, seeing a doctor means it is going to finally happen.

Am I really ready for this?
Can I be a mom?...absolutely.

But I started to get cold feet, I guess.
Kind of like how I got just before our wedding.
Not that I didn't whole heartedly love bayou and want to marry him and be his forever, its just......a lot of change.

So I finally went in on Day 3 of this cycle.
I thought I would get some blood drawn and we would kind of ease into this whole process.
What I was told, instead, was a whole list of tests and shit that both of us needed to get done RIGHT NOW because DON'T YOU WANT A BABY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE?

And yes, I am tired of going through cycle after cycle, but here's the thing.
As silly as this seems I do not prefer to have a child between November and February.
As selfish as this sounds, I have reasons that are good enough for me to not go through with it then.

Between Bayou's work schedule and my (undiagnosed) seasonal depression (which will be discussed in a future post) I think it's just a cocktail for disaster to raise an infant when I can't leave the house due to the weather. I get stir crazy. And I don't deal with it that well.

And besides, I won't be getting many more selfish wants after baby, so I think I can plan when it will work best for me.

I told this to the doctor, and she looked at me like I had three heads.
Don't you want a baby? Isn't that why you are here?

Well yes, I said, tearing up at this point, but I would like one on my terms. I don't think that is so crazy.

With all that said, this is my last cycle before I take a little hiatus and we start up again.
Honestly, I need this break. 
Now that I have more concrete answers, I am chalking up this cycle to a bust, we will move forward with testing and resume trying in June.

A little about the tests:
They did a Day 3 blood draw.
All of my pre-ovulation hormones came back normal.
Nothing to worry about there.

They then did a Day 21 draw, and this is where I have less than ideal levels.
Progesterone is needed, at a certain level, to not only ensure a woman is ovulating, but to build up a nice cushy lining for that little egg to nestle into.

The scale is 1-25.

Anything below a 5 indicates you are not ovulating, and that is a whole different issue.
Doctors like to see then level at 10 or higher for a non-medicated cycle and if you are on medication, above 15.
Then there is a gray area, between 5-10, where yes, you are in fact ovulating, just not really well.

That's me.
Mrs. 7.4.

I am now a good candidate for the Rx Clomid.
However, before we start that, the doctor needs a couple more tests.

Even though there is still a chance this cycle will take naturally, with my track record, I am voting Negative again.

Bayou has to go in to make sure his spunk is top notch.
He is thrilled, let me tell you.
But I have no doubt he will pass with flying colors.

Then I get to go in, after our hiatus, for a HSG dye test.
This fun little procedure shoots dye into my lady bits so they can see if I have any blockage.
No amount of Clomid is going to work if the tubes are blocked.

So that's where we are at.
The goal is a Spring/Summer 2015 baby.
Assuming we don't have any other roadblocks.

I plan on NOT focusing on all this garbage for a few months and enjoying the Spring and early Summer without worry for how broken I may or may not be.

And for the record....I'm not upset. I'm not angry. I'm not anything. 
I know it will happen, just not how we had planned, but then again, nothing worth having is not worth fighting for. 
And we are fighters.

More posts to come regarding Burn's boot camp updates and Light Therapy.

TBag. Out.