Dec 12, 2013

It's about us, right now

The last 24 hours have been insane.
I actually won't be getting into a lot of details, but some bad shit happened.
Everyone in my home is on the mend, and everyone is alive and safe, so no need to worry too much.

Just know that apparently it took a bad chain of events  to get me to snap out of my pity party.

You know when you see friends and family of a person hold on so tightly, so long, regardless of how terrible said person may have acted or is acting?
Maybe they did something really bad, or hurt someone really bad (not like murder, but you get the idea)

And as an outsider looking think "I can't believe they stand by him/her. They don't deserve it. That person has been so shitty to them"
And you get mad maybe.
Because mostly you don't understand it.
All you see is that yes, that person did hurt someone. Broke their heart.
Shattered trust a bit. Took the wrong turn and ended up in a dark place.

But what you maybe don't see is the fiery unconditional love between those two.
The undeniable truth that, no matter what, the person that was hurt will always be there for the person that hurt them.
Love is THAT powerful.
It's resilient.
It's never-ending.
Real love will survive and thrive, assuming the person that did the harm has remorse.
(PS- I'm not talking about cases of domestic abuse or serious cases, so please don't judge)

We have that going on in our family right now.
One of our dogs caused a bit of damage.
What happened gives us two options: give up or fight harder.

We are choosing to fight.

I am choosing to forgo adding to our family for the sanity of my current family and safety of my future one.

It has been a tough, and quick, realization, but one that maybe I have already known about for a long time.
Maybe I have already thought about it a million times over.
Maybe I knew the truth, but wanted a baby so bad I was willing to just look past it.

The thing is; my oldest pup is really old.
He can be the sweetest thing in the whole world. The little man that realizes you are sad and will come up and bury his head into your chest. Hoping you will just pet him. Hoping he can make you feel better.

He can also be a tyrant of anger. Misunderstood. Pain in my ass.

He knows when he is wrong. You can see it in his eyes.

I will always, and have always, been a dog lover.
A fighter for the greater good to improve the lives of these innocent animals who have no voice.
I can't help it. It's who I am.
It is my obsession.
I live for my pets. And it's so much love that I honestly don't think it would be fair to them for me to have a baby and push them to the background.

To be honest, this realization is isolated to Crash.
Burn is still a puppy. He is aloof. He is mostly excited to have you throw a ball and have you allow him to drool on your leg for a bit.  He does great on his own if he needs to be separated from us.
He is much more independent.

Crash.....needs us. 
We feel as though his age is catching up to him.
He may be losing his eyesight, I have had this sneaking suspicion for a while now.
He has little patience these days. He just wants to sleep next to you. Have you pet him. Feed him. Keep him warm.
He doesn't want to play with too many toys. He just wants to be by you.

And we have no reason to deny him these requests.
He probably has one....maybe two years left based on statistics and his behavior.
And I would never.....ever......get rid of him.
It's a death sentence.
He is too much for another, new family, to handle.
He will end up euthanized or put in a shelter and eventually destroyed.
And I can't have that on my conscience.
As stupid as this may sound...I would rather die than know I could have prevented that.

So based on my beliefs, it would stupid to be my own hypocrite and have a baby that will ultimately consume all of my time, my love, my effort.
Not that I don't want that....eventually.

It would just cause an insane amount of rage and jealousy with Crash, and then I am no better than to have given him up.

He deserves all the treats, all the love, all the time I can give him until he isn't with us anymore.
That day grows closer by the minute and I cannot prepare for it.

I just know that I give him the best life he can have, while I can, in my care.

And with that, am signing off. We could all use some rest.

TBag. Out.

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