Sep 5, 2013

I wide da Twain

Dudes, I didn't have much motivation for writing anything in particular this morning until a squacking lady bird entered my train car.
Jesus baby of the rings...what is WITH people not understanding that they are in a public area and no one else gives a damn what your drama is!?
No one.
Everyone can hear you.
Especially the poor sap on the other end.

This lends me to discuss some important points of
Proper Train Etiquette 
Don't Be A Jagoff to Everyone Else in the History of Ever. 

This will become an ongoing series so pay attention fools.

Disclaimer: This may come off as snotty and perhaps rude. 
I give no fucks about offending anyone .
If you are offended then I am probably talking to you.

First item on the agenda:

1. Proper Cell Phone Use on the Train

This one has multiple points so here goes nothing.

A) phones have come a long way since the 80's. Reception is a tad better. Dropped calls have lessened. And if you are in, say, a louder area, phones have this bit of magic that muffles out the background noise so that your creeking voice is heard and understood.
So guess what you don't have to do?
Raise your voice at a ridiculous level to accomodate for the sounds of the train.
Ever. All you are doing is slowly making the receiving person deaf.

I'm talking about YOU lady


There are designated Quiet Cars on the train now, or as I like to call them,
"one hour sanctuaries where I don't have to listen to annoying yammering from stupid people."

The ONE rule is very simple.
Shut the fuck up.
If you NEED to take or make a call?
Get your ass into the vestibule.
Don't try to cower into the corner of your seat with your hand over your mouth.
This tactic only makes you look like more of an asshole and nobody is fooled.

Get. Out.

Even if you aren't in these cars, if the rest of the car you are in is relatively silent or the people who are speaking are doing so in a calm and quieter manner, do NOT barge into the scene like you own the place and this is your own private conference room.
Blend in.
Make the call, but don't let every other GD person in on your troubles or recent arrest or how you don't like how the lady cut your hair.
Again, no one could give any shits.
We all just want to get to wherever we are going, usually work or home, with as little troubles and annoyances as possible.

B) Turn DOWN your ringer, your text and email alerts, ALL of it.
You are in a public place and I can assure you no matter how funny or awesome you think your ringtone is, chances are after it has gone off for the 15th consecutive time, you are about to have it shoved up your ass from your seat neighbor to silence it.
If you buy a phone, and are too stupid to know how to change the volume of the million texts you're receiving, or for cripes sakes, still have that God Damn *POP* sound for Every. Button. You push. then maybe you don't deserve to own a phone in the first place.

Ask for help. Don't be a Tool.

This is your public service announcement for getting through the day as less of a Douchebag.

TBag. Out.