May 8, 2013

Miami Story Part 2: How to avoid tourist traps and Get Yo'self a DELCIOUS cuban sandwich

And we're back....

So if you need to catch up on all the shenanigans...HERE IS PART 1

Like I was saying, the first night in, we were hoping for a less expensive, yet delicious Cuban Sandwich. We head out on the town, and stupidly start walking into Lincoln Road Mall.

 Those in the know (me!) will tell you that you SHOULD take a trip down this street...there is plenty of shopping and gelato and fancy restaurants...but I must warn you...the restaurants are basically tourist traps.  Over-priced. Lack of real service and substance. You name it.
And we almost fell for it again, because after taking the mile long lap, Bayou was complaining about traveling so much so we settled for $15 martinis at a seafood spot....

Side note: We know of some really good hole-in-the-wall divey places that serve straight up AUTHENTIC sandwiches, but were hoping to find something a little closer to home.  Fail.

After slowly sipping the overpriced fruity libations, we are finally seated in a nice little two seater spot outdoors.  A man comes over and asks us if we would like to pay for fancy "spring water" or tap.
Tap is fine, we respond.
We get the ULTIMATE look of disgust...and he shuffles off.
I kid you not, 30 minutes later he returns, and asks us if we are ready to order. Um....the menu is in SPANISH....perhaps he could go over some things? Nothing.
Fine.  Now I gotta whip out my bitch card.

I look him dead in the eye, and tell him we will be finishing our drinks and will be on our way.
No more "extraordinary" service necessary.

We hail a cab and hit up a classic restaurant....David's.
This place is the shit.  A nice little fast-paced, divey cafe with all the stuff you want (good food, prompt service, beer!) and all the stuff you don't (attitude, slow-service, $20 drinks)
Our waitress is right off the boat...not lying...with nails 5 inches long and covered in glitter.
I'm in love.
We ask her what she recommends to start off with as we KNOW we are getting Cuban sandwiches.
She looks at us weird.
Ahh....she can't understand us.
Appetizer?  We say.

Ohhhhh...she responds.  Picks up the menu...and literally starts just reading off the appetizers and pointing with those long ass nails of hers.
To get the correct idea of what is going on...picture Bon Qui Qui from Mad TV.

Bon Qui Qui: "Ooommmm.....der is calaMAReeee, der is saVEECHEE, der is aypaNA-DAAZ"

and the list goes on.

I'm dying.  This is epic.

We choose calamari and Bud Lites (shocking. I know.)

So we eat all the food and all the booze and are happily on our way home.

Walk, walk,'s like 12 friggin blocks back to the hotel. My head is still pounding a bit, so we are gonna hit up a little gelato spot right next to the hotel and call it a night.

But not before I hit a crooked spot in the sidewalk and BUST MY FUCKING ASS.
Seriously...I'm in WEDGES!!! My ankle bends the wrong way and my shoes slide out from under me, and I swear it takes an hour before I finally hit the ground because I'm up so high.
Fucking- A.
I have officially sprained my ankle AGAIN.....remember the LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED?

It was the same ankle. OMG.....I'm still kind of drunk so it doesn't hurt that bad, and I am immediately thinking:

So using Bayou as leverage I climb back onto my wedges...seen here, and hobble down the street.
Thank God we are almost home.
But not before getting gelato.
That'll make the pain go away.

Cutest. Death traps. Ever.
Day 1: Completed.

So, this is clearly turning into a multi-part story. Stayed tuned for Day 2 and our trip to Vizcaya!

Busted TBags.Out.


  1. As funny as these are to read, I feel bad laughing at your expense! How is your ankle?!? Those shoes are to die for!

  2. SA-KER-EE-T!! Hahaha Love me some Bon Qui Qui!