Apr 12, 2013

Stuck in the Middle with you....

Do you ever feel like you are stuck?  Like...glued in place, unable to go left or right or forward?  No?

Well here's my spiel.  I have been having this moresothanever ADD thing going on recently where I just can't focus. on anything. ever. 
Like...I can hardly get work completed AT WORK, or watch a TV show or just sit the hell down without thinking something's missing, or I should be doing something, or something needs to change, or isn't right, or I need to say something?

I just had my two year review at my current place of work.  I don't know what it is about those things but I always feel like I'm in trouble. Maybe it's because out of my prior 3 jobs, I had two extremely horrible bosses that made me feel like nothing was good enough and I just can't get over it?  Because you see...my boss rocks my face off.  He's awesome.  I love it here.  I am in a good position and make good money and have a decent work/home balance.  I get to be sarcastic and over the top and still (sometimes) boss people around...WHICH I LOVE....ha.  But yet...as I was filling out my self review prior to the actual sit-down...I couldn't help but feel like I had to defend myself...give reason to all my actions.  And then when it finally came down to the actual review? My boss says I am being way too hard on myself...that people still love working with me, that I basically need to get a grip and realize that it's good.

But I can't.  Something is missing.  Yes...the work aspect is good.  Yes, my hours are decent and I get to workout in the morning and still come home and actually spend more than 30 minutes with my dogs and husband.  But there is something else.  I feel like at this point in my life I should not only know what I want to do, but fucking do it, right?

During my review, I was asked briefly what I thought the next year would bring...what I would want to know...how I would develop my position.

And I just blankly stared at him, almost caught off guard.  I couldn't say anything because I KNOW what it is that I really need and would like to do and where I would like to go.....

....but it has nothing to do with work. 

So I said, "I'm not sure, I haven't really had a moment to think about the next step because I feel like I have been so neck-deep in shit at work with the move and audit and whatever else that I can't tell WHAT the next step would be."

And that's true.  While I am an Executive Assistant and Benefits Administrator...I also am Chief Hand Holder, Captain Problem Solver, Executive Do-it-all, Master negotiator, Senior Data-entry-of-random-garbage, Project Manager Coordinator Extraordinaire....and the list goes on.  This last year has been busy to say the least, and as I have mentioned in previous posts...I almost got sucked under the tidal wave of changes and developments.  As we are moving forward, I constantly have guilt that I am dragging my feet to keep up.  And perhaps I am...but that kind of pace is one that I will not compromise with every day forever.  We have a deadline? Sure...let's do this. I'll hustle...but every day? Um...no thank you. Been there, done that. It's not for me.

So back to the bigger issue.  The thing is...I have always known that I am not Management material.  At least not with the corporate world.  I will never be the Executive Top Chef.  It's too many hours and too much nonsense and I'm just not that into it.

Part of our job is doing readings and such to help give a broader perspective as to what we are as a company and what I am as an employee. Sounds lame, I know.  But there is one reading that typically stands out to most people....this one called "Personal Mastery."  It basically says....do this series of exercises every 6-ish months or so to outline what you would like to focus on...for the rest of your life.  Then keep revisiting it to make sure you are on that path.

I agree with this to an extent.  See....as my Goal in life has nothing to do with a Corporate setting in the most traditional sense...I understand the original idea of getting your thoughts out on paper. Which is why I'm writing now.  However...life is pretty hairy and to have a piece of outlined paper tell me that I have fallen off track because X, Y, and Z happened...um, that sucks.  Because road blocks happen all the time.

The thing is...I have to be smart about my moves and decisions. Smart- meaning, I can't just jump the gun because I want what I want and that's it. I have other people to keep in mind.  I have worked my ASS off to make the the paycheck that I do and live the lifestyle that I want, and I owe it to Bayou to keep up my end of the deal.  I work because, well....what the hell else am I going to do? And I need to buy things...so that takes money. I don't have a reason to be at home 24/7 just because it would be nice.  And trust me...I've been down that path in between jobs.  TBag with all the time in the world and 0 dollars just makes me start drinking before noon and nobody wants that shit.

So anyways, my Corporate motto has always been,
"Most money for the least amount of time."
Within reason.
Yes, I could just go strip somewhere and make a boatload and only have to do that shit like twice a week and be set.
But I have morals and standards people.  Even though the bar isn't set extremely high....I want to make this goal happen in the most non-teeth gritting way possible. Plus, it would just be awkward telling my parents I had a rough day at the "office" because some guy threw quarters at my face as opposed to stuffing my g-string with benjamins.  Making it rain would have a whole new meaning.

But I digress.
For now....I am antsy.  And can't live my life in a setting of The Corporate for more than is deemed necessary.  I do my job, and am damn good at it, then I get the hell out of dodge and fly home to see everything that I had to miss to make sure they have a happy and fulfilled life.

I know my Goal will develop as life moves forward.  I can't get mad and have a timeline with a deadline, because it just doesn't matter and I have no control over it in the first place. But I can tell we are getting closer.  Hopefully bits and pieces will start to fall into place...like PiYo teaching, and maybe this blog will take off one day, and maybe I'll get pregnant, and maybe I'll be boss of my own Goal, one that I would be willing to work at day and night, one that maybe has a million responsibilities and no set of specific tasks, but one that would ultimately make me more fulfilled each day.

Until then I'll surround myself with clowns and jokers and take it as it comes.
TBag. Out.

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