Jan 18, 2013

The Universe and Jebus are trying to teach me a lesson, I suppose

So today was the day that I was going to rejoice in my (lack of) bleeding and successful production of the most epic life changing moment where I looked down at my pee soaked preg test and see two beautiful red lines that further confirmed that I could, in fact, house another being.

UM.....not so much.

Instead what I got, as I shakily held the pee stick....squinting like a cock-eyed retard at 5 this morning, hoping that second line would develop, was another obvious failed attempt at pro-creating.  I literally ripped the test in half and flushed it down the toilet.  And then I just stared at the ground....for a long enough period of time that I almost made myself late to the train this morning.  I guess I figured if I wasn't going to be "late" for the bigger event, being late for everything else would be just as acceptable.

And then before I left, I said my normal good-byes to Bayou and told him today was going to suck.  He then told me I looked as though I was about to cry so I did the mature thing and stormed out of the house.

After I got my ever-loving shit together on the train, I called him back to apologize for being Mrs. Gloom and doom this morning and I could feel the waterworks building behind my eyeballs.  I got off the phone, looked down at my purse and exactly four tears hit my coat. That was enough sads......now I'm just pissed.

I'm pissed that I let myself get so tied up in every cycle.
I'm pissed that I get so emotional.
I'm pissed that I now live (most) of my personal life in 2 week stages. B.O. and A.O. (before ovulation and after ovulation)
I'm pissed that it's taking "so long"
I'm pissed that there are tons of stupid teenagers or "adults" in bad situations that get pregnant like it ain't no thang and it just happens for them right away without a second thought.
I'm pissed that I want this so bad and last year at this time, I really just didn't and I can't let it go.
I'm mostly pissed because I really, really thought this was THE cycle.  We did it. I had awesome feelings about it.  Shit was DIFFERENT people.  I had different symptoms, a different outlook, we had a better shot this time. How could it not happen?

I'm mostly pissed because I can't make my kids these costumes for Halloween 2013

(Disclaimer: I KNOW I don't have it that bad....I just need a little pity party and then I can shove another tampon in my ladybits and snap my big girl panties on over said bits and move on)

So now what.
Do I throw out my OPK tests and Mucinex and HPT tests and B6 pills and everything else and leave caution to the wind?
Maybe.  Maybe that's what the universe wants.  I thought I needed to "take control of my fertility" but then Jebus was all, "Actually....I'll just step in and make sure this isn't something you can set a goal for and it's not going to happen how you dreamt it would happen."

But let's look at some of the positives.
1) I get to keep my body in the shape it is in for at least another month
2) I get to keep my ladybits in the shape they are in for at least another month
3) I will only pee a little when I sneeze or laugh SOMETIMES and not every time
4) I don't have to wear pantiliners for at least another month
5) I don't have "get my pschotic dogs used to me holding another being and igoring them" for at least another month
6) I only have to have my sleep disrupted by Bayou's snoring and thrashing and not Bayou's snoring and thrashing plus another being's thrashing and crying.
7) I don't have to worry about my company's lack of maternity leave for a few months
8) My money is still my money and not a blood-sucking baby vampires money
9) I don't have to figure out how to child proof the death stairs in our home yet
10) I can still get my drink on as I please. This is probably the most important point that I need to remind myself of on a daily basis.

And because I need a little sunshine and glitter...I'm going to read THIS post and all other posts by Scary Mommy because it's funny to me now before I'm in the trenches myself.  Oh the joy.

Overly Share-y,
TBag. Out.