Jan 22, 2013

A Lesson in how to walk to work in the Ci-tay when it's -4,000

If you live in or around Chicago, you know that it is exactly negative a million outside.  My truck said -4 to be exact, then said ERROR and exploded because it can only include 3 digits.  Just kidding, it didn't really explode, but that would have been an excellent reason to call out of work today.

So...I've been hoofing it to work for many years now.  And if there is one thing I've learned, the city in the winter time if a mother fucker. Turn the corner around the wrong building and you will be blown sideways from the lake effect wind.  I spend the majority of the winter bent over at a 90 degree angle (that's what she said) just to keep the wind from streaking my mascara into my hair like a cheap hooker.

My wardrobe has been modified through the years as well.  At first, I kept my cheap pumps on at all times, regardless of how far I needed to walk, to and from work, and that all ended when I fell crossing a wooden bridge, as my heel got lodged into a crack, and as I fell, my heel was catapulted over my head and into the river.  True story. 

So now I wear sensible walking shoes, depending on the season, and carry my fancies in my bag.  Keeps 'em looking nice for longer than a week as well and I don't have to hunt down a cobbler to fix my shit over and over.

Two days ago, winter officially hit Chicago so it's time to dress the part.  I only have 4 vacation days left for a few months and this week is too important to miss. I will school you on how to truck your ass into work without completely freezing.

Disclaimer: It's not pretty.

1) Purchase one oversized sleeping bag with long sleeves and a hood.  Zippers AND snaps are a must.  Make sure it is ill fitting and puffy along your mid-section.  Men just love this.
2) Apply your first layer of long John's UNDER your skinny jeans.  Yes, I said UNDER.  The goal is to look and feel like a sausage casing, so the more uncomfortable the better.
3) Slip on one pair of knee high sock, over long john's and under skinny jeans.  Remember the sausage casing mantra.
4) Put your brar on and leave the sweater off until you are finished putting on make-up and drying your hair.  Otherwise, you will be filled with fits of rage and sweat whilst trying to make your face look like the un-dead.

Now we are ready to head out in the elements; let's finish the process.

5) Put additional fuzzy socks on over previous knee high socks.
6) Slip on Hulk sized faux Ugg boots, because you are cheap.
7) Re-apply deodorant. Shit is getting real.
8) Pull bulky sweater over head, making sure to miss your deodorant chapped armpits.  Those white stains are difficult to remove.
9) Zip up sleeping bag and button to the bottom.  You will only be able to take baby steps, but it will keep the air from frostbiting your ladybits.
10) Move your hair away from your face and put on first knitted hat.
Note: hair must be away from face as you will be breathing up your own breathe for the next 30 minutes and that shit gets moist.  Yes, I said it. MOIST.
11) Put hood OVER first knitted hat to block head from wind tunnels.
12) Wrap infinity scarf around neck, mouth, and nose and pull tight.
13) Strap on multiple bags and purses, put gloves on, shove hands into pockets, and don't move from this position until you are safely at work.

Additional suggestions would be:
-Wear sunglasses in the only exposed area, your eyes, in case of severe wind trauma
- Bring cab money in case you are OVER this shit (which I never am...mostly because, I'm cheap.  See item 6)
- Don't go to work
- If you do battle the weather demons, by all means, with this much shit on...walk SLOW, otherwise you will be sweating on the inside and freezing on the outside.  That is a terrible combination.

The final product will look like this:

Bayou is one lucky man.  Ooohhh Weeeee!

The kid from A Christmas Story.