Oct 1, 2012

Who really wants a pearl necklace and why some Karl's are hotter than others

This post is about to get all kinds of terrible. *A Quick disclaimer to any family members that will inevitably read this....I'm not into this crap..I just think it's hilarious to talk about and giggle at like a child...swears*
Also...this may be the post where you guys either fall in love with me or are honestly disgusted and stop reading.  I'm hoping you are on the more mental side...

See....I went out with some fellow ladies (of the night) over the weekend....and we had the luxury of having one of their husbands pimp us around all night.  Pretty sweet for us.  It really doesn't take much alcohol for the four of us to whoop it up and start talkin' trash. 
We all work at the same office, and there seems to be a decent amount of Your Mom jokes that run amuck...usually from my mouth hole, because honestly....putting "your mom" at the end of a standard question makes me giggle a little too loudly.  And I just laughed at the fact that I wrote "putting your mom at the end"  Too easy.  Like your mom.  Geez.

Q: Where are we going?
A: To your mom's house

Q: What is that noise?
A: Your mom attempting to slide across the hood of a car but her ass keeps getting stuck

Q: What is the difference between a mallard with a cold and you?
A: One is a sick duck and.....I forget the rest but your motha is a whore.  SUCK IT, TREBEK!

You get the idea.
By Friday...I have managed to contain myself just enough to keep is cla$$y in the office but I am literally busting at the seems because everything people say is hilarious to me.  How can you not snort with laughter if someone says that they need a longer shaft on a screwdriver?  HOW? 

I work in a tech-y place and my all time favorite joke to date went a little like this:

"I'm sure there is an entire website dedicated to Your Mom jokes....but I'm sure it's full of viruses...you know...like your mom"

So Friday the 4 ladeez of the office plan to meet up Saturday.  Do a little girls night...drink, eat...watch Bridesmaids in our sweet Christmas turtles and Hello Kitty pj's....you know, standard stuff.
We all bring a bottle of wine....we all decide we only like our OWN bottle of wine...we open 4 separate bottles of wine.  We drink.

I didn't honestly think the word whore could be said as much as it was in the course of one evening...we clearly outdid ourselves...and made our husbands proud no doubt.  "Get in the car you whore"  or "whooore" Long "o" ...if you're fancy.  "These whoores will have a Pimm's Cup please"  "You whore, you just wore that top so your funbags can be on show for all the people in all the lands to see!"

After a drink or three...the conversation mimicked that of 40 Year Old Virgin and we were debating the grossness of what is worse....your standard pearl necklace or something more disgusting like a hot Karl.....I use a "k"  for no reason whatsoever. What? What?  You don't know what these terms are? If not...please just ask someone because I am 169% sure you will end up melting your computer if you go to the Google's for an answer.  Someone piped up....in a fit of laughter and stated "I think there is a level of foul that you just can't wash off" followed by ear piercing cackles all while the girl's husband drove us around like we were being chaperoned in High School.  The conversation then went off the deep end turning from a Cincinnati bow tie to asphyxiation and then we took a left turn and hopped onto the slip-n-slide directly to the bowels of Hell with talk of what exactly a Furry is and do those people creep around at college football games to catch a glimpse of the mascot?! 

Shit Stained Balls....TBag. Out.