Oct 20, 2012

Somehow this post turned into a reflection of my weight through the years....

I have been up since 5:30am, as per usual every Saturday morning, to make my 6:30am Boxing class at the Y.  I KNOW.  I know that is ungodly early to even be contemplating being awake on the weekend, yet alone actually moving, violently, as though I am attacking a phantom mugger.  Complete with wee lil' 3 lb hand gloves and a seriously runny nose.  For realz, I always yawn constantly while working out, followed by watery eyes and a runny nose.  All of my face holes leak.  Sexy.

Moving on.  So then I weigh myself for the first time in approximately, oh...I don't know....9 months, and have found that I have successfully put back on the 5 pounds I was attempting to lose last year....wait, that doesn't make sense. I DID drop the 5 lbs....and then I remembered I really, really, like cake....and wine....and cheese...and more cake.  Not that I didn't eat them when I lost the weight, but I was getting to the point of eating just cake for lunch.  Ha.....so now the 5 pounds are back ..I am not really discouraged though....all my clothes still fit, so I guess I have a 5 pound lee-way to not have to purchase additional clothing. I already did that....twice, and buying multiple wardrobes in multiple sizes gets pricey people!
OK...shit, now I have to give the back ground story.

So.....I met Bayou at the end of 2005, while I was finishing up my super-senior year at Columbia (I say super senior, not because it was awesome, but because I transferred to Columbia from NIU and "lost" a year....due to partying and nearly failing the majority of my classes.  Which is hilarious because that was a bad year grade-wise....I have always have above a 3.6 gpa.  OK..moving forward)
Actually....the same partying year in college...I believe I managed to put on the Freshmen 50.  Oh wait...wasn't it supposed to just be 15?  Well, it was somewhere in the 40-50 range.....and on a 5' 3" frame....that was well......a lot.  To put it nicely.....I was asked that same year at Thanksgiving if I was really going to have seconds.  Bummer.  So then I started working out....the wrong way, and just added a bunch of man muscle on top of my fat...and my neck got really thick....and then I figured shit out and stopped shoveling fries into my face and washing it down with kegs.

And now we are back to 2005.   Well...more like 2006 at this point.  So I graduated....and found my first full time job as a Designer....of the Interiors.  It was great....easy hours, no overtime...and a kind of average, low salary.  And somehow in the midst of all of this I fell in lurve with Bayou and packed on another 20-ish pounds because he ate like a beast.  And I didn't want to be one of those lame girls that ate lettuce all the time....so we ate the same. In 2007 I was looking back on some New Year's Eve pics and realized Bayou looked like he was struggling to hold up my larger ass.  I was rather meaty.  At least to me I was.  Bayou hardly noticed, which was great, but I didn't feel great.

So I started calorie counting, and running, a lot.  I lost the 20 pounds and kept going.  It started spiraling out of control and consuming my life.  It got to the point where I literally couldn't start my day until every single calorie was counted out and I tracked exactly what I was going to do to workout.  I didn't even realize how bad it was...I thought I looked like a whale.  I isolated myself.  Never went out because it would make me fat.  Never saw friends because I thought they would be judging me for how fat I was.  I never felt good in clothes.  I lashed out (more than normal) at Bayou.  My hair started falling out. So I started using volumizing hair products.  I had blue circles under my eyes.  So I wore thicker concealer.  And then one day. I just broke. down.  I went to my parents house and just cried.  I said I felt out of control.  I was afraid to eat.  I felt fat.  I was weak, both figuratively and literally.  The reality of the situation was I went from 140 pounds to 110 pounds.  And I get that for some people 110 pounds on a 5'3" frame isn't technically underweight.  But it is for me.  I have what nutritionist professionals call a medium to large frame.  A little stockier, more muscular, thicker wrists and ankles.  I was striving for a waifier look, but all that was happening was all my bones were starting to show.  My hip bones would jut out really far when I laid down.  My rib cage was visible from both sides.
And I still thought I was fat.  I wanted so badly for my thighs not to touch.  That was the "ultimate" goal.  And I did it.....but guess what?  I no longer fit into size 00 clothes.  My breaking point, when I cried to my parents, was that I would have to start shopping in the kids department. 

I slowly let go of the restriction.  I let go of the calorie counting.  It took a good year or so....but I realized how badly it had become and how, even through all of this....Bayou stood by me....silently.  He couldn't offer support or criticism because I probably would have punched his face in.  But he was there.  When I was ready to be helped. Everything all of a sudden became crystal clear and I could see my bones and how sunken in I looked and how absolutely tiny I was in the few photos that were taken of me.

These days.....I am hovering around 125 lbs., a size 2, and I am strong and healthy and happy.  I am still conscience of calories and what is good and what is bad....but I strive for balance and moderation.  And when....like now, I am up 5 pounds.  I know that is probably the highest point that I can stay at before my pants get a little tighter than I'd like...so I cut back on the bad stuff a bit. And slightly up the working out...nothing crazy.  But it's not the for-front of my life anymore.

My husband, our dogs, our home, immediate family......and maybe a baby in the future....those are the things that I live for now.  Making everything as good as I can in the time I have while still keeping my sanity.  And it doesn't matter about being skinny.  It matters to be strong.....not bodybuilder style....that's not me either....just a nice balance where I can still throw a punch or lift my 70 lb dog into the car, or help Bayou move a projection TV from one floor to another and not feel like I am going to collapse.  I am curvy enough in all the right parts, and have a decent amount of muscle tone to keep things in place and not too much fluff.  I have always been a bit of a tomboy and a bit of a fashion freak....

This post turned into a whole thing so let's end with an adorable comparison of my 70 lb baby....from the weekend we brought him home at 15 pounds to where he is now at 1 year 4 months:

15 pounds...huge paws and ears....sleeping while I baked for a party

This last weekend. He still sleeps in the same position. Tongue out, legs tucked in.

Just this morning he managed to roll off the back seats of the car while I was driving because I had to stop short.  He got stuck because he's fat.  And I laughed.  And then when we got home he managed to push his tennis ball way into the cushions of the couch to the point where in order to get it, he had to shove most of his 70 lb. body in between the cushions to retrieve it and again....got stuck.  I don't know how he does it.

Oh, and since we are talking about food.  I made THESE this morning.

  They were delicious. And I'll tell  you a secret....if you substitute 2 tablespoons of mayo in place of 2 of the 3 tablespoons of oil....they get really super moist.  <-----Gross, I HATE that word.  But it's true.

Here is the Recipe: Chocolate Chip-Banana Muffins

And I promise to actually make a post about our home renovation and some decorations.  Or maybe the post will just be the pictures since I managed to write a novel in this one.  We shall see.

Average Sized Fatty.
TBag. Out.