Sep 13, 2012

Womp Womp- Piss and Vinegar and Sadness...and maybe a dim light at the end of the tunnel

Sorry I haven't written much.  I feel like I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster that seems to be ever changing depending on the time of day or the sun or the moon or what I've been drinking or how my day was or how everyone else's day has been.

See.....6-ish+ months ago I was attacked.  I was attacked by the baby bug and haven't looked back. I battled my own personal gripes with coming to terms how epically my life could change with this new attitude and lifestyle.  I was excited.  Nervous. Crazy.  But excited.  And then reality hit me and I panicked because Bayou had clearly laid out his thoughts on children from the start....whereas I was always kind of wishy-washy on the subject.  Meaning.....for a very long time, I really, really didn't want them.  I liked my life, I felt fulfilled, my jobs were relatively terrible and I knew I had to find something better and be a little more financially stable.  I drank and partied a lot. I still drink a decent amount.  I like that aspect.  I was hung over many weekends.  I am in love with my bulldogs.  They take up a lot of my time and I wouldn't change it for the world.  I lived for fashion and clothes and make-up and gossip magazines and working out and fitness and looking hot and all that garbage. And guess what...I still do enjoy new trends, and make-up and working out and the like....I just find myself looking for a deal instead of having the "it" bag or shoes or whatever.  I now save a lot more.  Well, I always saved, but not like now.  I have better working hours in a great office environment with people I actually like and I (hope) like me back.  I have come to terms with friends who have exited my life and understand why some friends left temporarily and are now back in my life again.  Everything happens for a reason.  Life happens. 

From the beginning of my relationship with Bayou...I have had a decent amount of relationship battles.  We have always been faithful, but the hell if we didn't test each other to the edge. The larger stuff? Like commitment, and marriage, and dogs......which, have all been kind of brought to the forfront by yours truly....have been the biggest battles for us.  Bayou is kind of me.  But he is epically stubborn about change.  Big changes.  Life altering changes.  Not bad things.  Things that I feel, and most people I think feel are important and necessary to grow as a couple.  So we ventured together...and fought...and I cried. I always cry.  And I wouldn't necessarily say that I got my way....but well.....I got my way.  But the thing is....a girl can only push so hard when there isn't anything else she can do.....and you just have to hope that all the talking worked and maybe he listened to your side.  You sure as hell have considered his, but it is something You need in YOUR feel complete. forward nearly 7 years in our relationship...and we both couldn't be happier.  I have found that there is no need for an actual plan because something always happens and then your wife drops a bomb on your "plans" and asks if you would be willing to have children and then starts blogging about it.

Well...maybe not. At least not to me I didn't.  What has happened is something that is literally out of my control.  I seriously laughed when I heard that women have these biological clocks and they literally start ticking and BAM you NEED A BABY.  Well the fuck if it didn't happen.  It's real. Like Santa.

And I totally knew that this topic would spark some serious backlash from Bayou. I was scared to death to even bring it up. At first he thought it was a phase and I was kidding...and then shit got real....real fast.  And yes...we have fought, and I have again cried, but you know what else has happened? We have talked a lot.  A LOT.  And I am well aware that forcing him into any situation but specifically this one would only lead to the big D word.  But not having them could also be bad as well.  Neither one of us wants to end up that way.  We heart each other too much.  So instead of having two separate life paths...we are working towards one path together....and it kind of looks like the back roads scenic route instead of clear cut highway.....and it's different.  What matters is we are in it together and we are both very strong people. And trust me...I know most of the time I sound retarded and act retarded, but I actually am smart.  And find solutions. And am knowledgeable about things and stuff and junk. And well spoken when not rambling on this blog or bitching to a girlfriend about the Real Housewives.

And the craziest part about babies and blogs....and I knew it would happen, but didn't really know how much it would hurt to hear it or read it....are critics.  People that hide behind text to knock me down a peg.  Or feel like they are "helping" by trying to gang up against me by pinning me against my husband.  My own husband. I thought about keeping this to myself and letting it go.  But it is the sole reason why I haven't been able to write anything for the last couple of weeks.  I just want this blog to be a place that I can rant and rave about things, you can read, and we can all move on with our day.  Now I am considering making it private or just cancelling it completely.  Here is why:

About a month ago, Bayou's phone alarm was going off as if it was his wake up alarm.  I flipped open the phone, turned it off as he was not in the house, and just behind the "dismiss" page was a scrolling text from one of his friends.  Don't care.  Or at least I wouldn't have if the beginning of the text didn't start with "Don't let her push you into....." OK.  What the fuck.  Now I'm curious.  So I click on it and my heart literally dropped into and out of my asshole.  This "friend" of Bayou's and someone that I have known for as long as I have known Bayou sent a text message to him, probably after reading this blog, to say...and I'm paraphrasing because I don't have it memorized..."Don't let her push you into having kids. It's not worth me. Go get snipped and blame being sterile on the cigs.  I love my son to death...but think about it."

WHAT.    THE.    FUCK.

I asked Bayou if he had read this text.  He said yea and that he had called to talk to this "friend" afterward.  Said it wasn't a big deal and it was over with.  I know my husband, and I know he is not easily, if ever persuaded by most of the dumb fuck things his friends he would put it...."He is his own man."
And yes, I sent that fuck tard one text back basically telling him to butt out of our business and left it at that.

But dude....What the fuck is your problem?!?!?!  Who the F gave you or anyone else the right to tell me and my husband and our family what we should or should not be doing?  Are things that bad in your life and maybe your marriage that you feel like being the town crier Debby Downer and try to warn the people before they fuck up their own life? thank you. I can fuck up my own life on my own without any help from the peanut crowd.  If one of us needs advice, we'll ask for it, but it certainly will not be from you.  And for decency purposes...I won't be naming names....but it would be best if maybe you laid
Now Listen...I really hope things are just peachy keen on your end...I really do. I like your wife.  Your son looks adorable.  But you my friend....need to take your foot out of your mouth before I have the luxury of shoving it up your ass. - How about a nice, tall glass of Shut the Hell up.


Please believe though that I am still very excited.  We are ready to start the next chapter and all the craziness that goes with it.  I had my doubts...both as a family and in myself...just like I did pre-wedding, but I have come to terms and accepted that I can only plan so much, and to trust my gut...everything will work out as it should.

And on that note.  I should end this rant.  And maybe go back to writing more.  And maybe making it private.

What does the peanut gallery think?

Punched in the Nuts.
TBag. Out.