Jul 4, 2012

4th of July Massacre

What's up fools?!  I hope everyone has SOME kind of fun plans for today, even if those plans are sitting in your air conditioned house, chugging Jameson through a straw and passing out early.

My "plans" started last night, where apparently I forgot how to drink correctly, had a whopping 2 Bud Lite Platinum's and passed out at 8pm, completely dizzy.  I know.... it was intense.  In my defense, those suckers have 6% alcohol as opposed to the standard 4.5% so it's really like having 3 WHOLE. BEERS.  Polished off some Chipotle and I was happily flopped into bed.

For today's festivities; we start with our traditional weekend mornings, which involves me brushing Retard to death with a rubber blue hand brush pad thingy, coffee, lots of coffee, and witnessing, yet again, the uninvited guests that have graced us with their annual 4th of July presence.  Who are these guests you ask?

These fuckers
Those giant abominations are called Cicada Killing Wasps.. It's like something straight out of the Twilight Zone. They are ENORMOUS.  We started getting them a couple summers ago.  The first year there were only 2 of them, and in our drunken stupor (see the trend with drinking?)  we decided to call them our "pets" because they were always around and they are huge, they are like buzzing cats.  Anyways. so the buzzing cats realized we "enjoyed" our company and last summer they decided to multiply like rabbits and went from 2 to 2,000.  It was a g. d. epidemic.  They were fucking everywhere! Ok boys and girls, this is where I school with some knowledge about these dickwads.  CKW's make their presence known around the 4th of July where the lady buzz cats scope out the places to live.  They live in the ground, and they ruin your fucking lawn by creating these HUGE holes wherever an exit to their underground lairs are.  So the women, like all women, do. everything.  They hunt for food, bring it home to the chillens, and make the homes.  The men buzz cats "guard" the lairs and intimidate people and animals of all sizes by dive bombing your face. Did I mention they are literally 2 inches long?  That's what she said.  Luckily they only live for a few months.

OK, back to the hunting.  Yes, these fuckers hunt.  They hunt cicada's (get the name?) or other equal sized bugs, like grasshoppers and other gross things.  The lady buzz cats go out, find a cicada and PARALYZE it with their stingers.  Drag it back to their underground lairs, LAY EGGS IN THE ALIVE PARALYZED BUG, then when the babies hatch, their first meal is the cicada.  *I just threw up in my mouth a little*

Sorry for that, but hey......
Because there were so many of them, Mark went out and decided to take care of business.  And I shit you not, his "wasp killing outfit" was the following: Long pants, long sleeve t-shirt, a fucking t-shirt wrapped around his head like a turban, gardening gloves, sun glasses and a broom.  He looked like a fucking terrorist.  He said his "tactic" was to disorient the bee by swatting them down to the ground with a broom, then STOMPING them to death.  I got home and it looked like a war scene; he was finishing up, frantically swatting the air because these bees have stealth like speed; followed by crazy-ass stomping like he was doing an ethnic rain dance.  There were dead bees everywhere; had to be at least 30 of them.

And we salute this 4th of July by starting the broom swatting/stomping death trend again.

If you are wondering if you should go through with your plans today; I leave you with THIS little gem for some motivation.


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